flashes of light

After returning from India, and through some deep and beautiful conversations, I have been able to think about the impact that time has had on my life. I understand that this can seem like a somewhat selfish perspective to take, but I think it is a worthwhile question that might require more intentional reflection than thinking about the tangible impact that our team had on the lovely people we crossed lives with in India. Connected to this, I was recently asked "what is the biggest question that you have been struggling through, the question you keep returning to"... I am still unpacking a number of heavily loaded questions and concepts and have been learning much through this time, but the question I keep coming back to is "Why can't I cry?" Life is filled with things that remind us of how tragic a fallen world is and the injustices that occur and it is also filled with those things that remind us of the potential of beauty that exists, and just how beautiful life can be. I have been realizing that my life experiences over the past few years have entrenched me in the reality of the current state of this fallen world, and because of that my heart has grown calloused. Not hard-hearted, mind you... but calloused. The same way that your hands must be calloused in order to withstand the vigorous work that can be required of them if you are a musician or a carpenter. Recently though, I have been reminded of the beauty of life, which has altered my perception on the tragedies of life. What I am seeing is that the truth of the severity of the tragedies of this world are most accurately viewed through a lens of beauty. When our eyes adjust to the dark, we are able to see shapes and movement that at first were lost to us. This is important if we are going to be spending lots of time in the dark... but we forget how dark things really are until a flash of light reminds us and our eyes need to adjust once more. There have been some "flashes of light" in my life recently, and while I am still in the early stages of processing all of this... I have been learning much. I hope that tears do fall once more, but I hope that they fall in the midst of beauty.

drinking deep

In two days I will be on my way over to Chennai, India. This will be a first for me. Honestly, I have not had much time to think about the reality of all of this. seriously, is something wrong with me? Shouldn't I feel some sort of anxiety or a certain amount of disbelief? I am definitely looking forward to it, kind of like a quiet excitement. I have been in the United States for far too long now, it has been a year and several months since I have remained in this country. This is the longest I have stayed in one place for years now. I view this trip to India as an odd type of relief and renewal for myself. I will be going along with a small team of adults from North Heights (the church I work at) It is an absolutely solid team, I would not be surprised if we see miraculous healing or other signs and wonders. Seriously, there are some Christ Followers in this team. We will be working with several ywam ministries while in Chennai. Coming alongside these ministries we will be working with an AIDS hospice, a street kids ministry, counseling clinics, ministry in slums, doing some work in tsunami affected areas... a whole lot of stuff, all subject to change. I am anticipating some beautiful things during this time. I have been finding myself restless lately, asking myself deep questions and processing through whatever odd types of regurgitated mass surface as a result. I suppose this is justifiable. The questions I ask are ones that are rooted in the faith I claim. The difference between following Christ and labeling oneself "Christian". What is the "cost" of following Christ? More questions and feelings than I care to express here and now. Maybe India will straighten these questions up or maybe it will add more fuel to the fire, I am leaning toward the latter. If you desire to pray, please do. Intercede on our behalf and on behalf of those we will be displaying love to. Ask that Christ would be seen through us and that we could reveal His truth and beauty as we encounter it. Peace.